The Inner Workings of the Mind of a Mad Man :)

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Alex: can i ask u something quickly
Mary: sure
Alex: is there more to life that feeling like a mouse trapped in a maze looking for the end with the cheese
Alex: please tell me theres more to life
Mary: life is what you make it
Alex: well ive study alot of things
Alex: and other peoples lifes and well
Mary: whatd you find out?
Alex: it seems like everyone is justa mouse
Alex: trying to get the cheese at the end of the maze
Mary: sure, that might be the case... and if it is, might as well be a happy mouse
Mary: because what other choice do you have?
Alex: break out of the maze
Alex: but how
Alex: is the question
Mary: the question is whether or not you really are a mouse
Alex: the mouse is figurative
Mary: life is what you make it.. and if you make it out to be that you're a mouse in a maze, deal with it and live it. but keep in mind that it can be something completely different.
Alex: i know that
Alex: but the thing im tryin to figure out
Alex: is how to break out of the maze
Mary: but you might not even be in a maze
Mary: the only maze you have is the one your mind is creating
Alex: the maze is all in my head
Mary: i know
Alex: hmm
Alex: hey by the way thanx,your the smartest person i know
Mary: thanks. lol
Alex: so how do u make the illusion of the maze vanish
Mary: just dont worry about it, okay? if you can create the maze, you can destroy it
Alex: but i didnt realize i created this maze
Mary: you gotta figure out what the maze is made out of
Mary: and take it one wall at a time
Alex: can i borrow a sledge hammer
Mary: sure
Alex: why though
Alex: why would i put up the maze,the walls
Mary: humans are naturally self-destructive
Alex: but how is a maze self destructive
Mary: what makes you think/feel you're in a maze anyways?
Alex: i dont know how to expalin it to begin wit
Alex: but i know its there
Mary: well what's the cheese? what are you striving for?
Alex: can i tell you a secret
Mary: sure
Alex: i dont know what the cheese is either
Mary: Lol... then you're not in a maze. you don't know why its there.. dont know what the cheese is.. don't know what its made of...
Mary: maybe you're just bored
Alex: no its not bordom
Mary: anxiety?
Alex: i feel trapped and always running into walls
Alex: there is a maze
Mary: maybe because you can't smell the cheese.. figure out what you want in life
Mary: itll make things a little easier
Alex: but my biggest questions are why is there a maze,how can i break free of the maze and finially can i borrow some dynamyte
Mary: sure you can have some dynamite
Mary: the maze is just life... there's not a whole lot of breaking free..
Mary: try to enjoy it. learn from it
Alex: i know but there just has to be so much more to it than what there is
Mary: the walls in the maze are symbolic too.. experiences, you know? and sometimes it's not bad to bump into them
Alex: yeah i know what you mean
Alex: but there isnt more to life than what there is
Alex: there has to be
Mary: what more do you want? a beginning, experiences along the way, and ultimately.. an ending.
Mary: it's the journey, not the destination
Alex: but it should be the journey
Alex: chose your own destination
Alex: do i make any sense to you
Mary: have you seen the whole maze? how do you know there aren't multiple exits?
Mary: its your choice to choose which way
Alex: ie it is
Alex: do i make any sense to you at all
Mary: yeah you do.. am i making any sense?
Alex: yeah
Alex: but you see
Alex: its not just that
Alex: there so many other things
Mary: like?
Alex: my brain goings billions of miles a second
Mary: try to focus on what's important then.. and if you don't know what's important.. spend some time to figure out
Mary: focus. it'll slow down your thoughts
Alex: sleep use to help and it doesnt anymore
Mary: just take it one day at a time
Alex: i try
Alex: thats the way i have been
Mary: pick a point in you want in your future and work towards it
Mary: job, house, etc. whatever.. have a goal and take it one step at a time
Alex: but you see
Alex: things like that
Alex: are so trival
Alex: does that make sense
Mary: it does.. its all material
Mary: but if you don't believe in god and don't care about material objects... what ISN'T trivial?
Alex: you have a point
Alex: i...i...
Alex: i just dont know
Mary: its hard, i know
Alex: it seems like to much to comprehend
Mary: you have to figure out what's important to you then
Mary: what do you want to work on?
Alex: its not just that
Alex: why are things the way they are
Alex: i know there scientific reasons
Alex: but why are they that way
Alex: why is the grass green,the sky blue,the sun yellow
Alex: there has to be something more to it
Mary: but if you don't believe in God, what can I tell you?
Alex: i dont know what i believe
Mary: believe in yourself
Alex: but it has to be something more than a god
Mary: what more can there be? God is omnipotent.. all knowing, all seeing.. creator.. I mean.. how much bigger can you get?
Alex: but how do you,mayb "god" was just the figure
Mary: you have to define your own God
Alex: mayb there are things behind all things
Mary: like?
Alex: thats what i want to know
Mary: Well before you can really do any of that, you have to know yourself, believe in yourself and calm your mind down.
Mary: you can't find out the secrets to life if your mind is going a billion miles an hour
Alex: got a rock i can slam it into
Alex: but the thing is,how can i know myself when i dont know who myself is
Alex: i lost my self somewhere
Mary: you have to figure it out.. we all lose ourselves at some point
Alex: and i dont even know where to begin looking
Mary: the question is.. what do you want to be?
Mary: you can define yourself
Alex: honestly
Alex: i want to be what is called god
Alex: to be able to create and destroy things
Alex: to know what it feels like
Alex: not to be forever
Alex: just to know the feeling
Alex: does that make sense
Mary: then play with legos and have a kid.
Alex: no no,its not that
Mary: you want power?
Alex: that what people have been conditioned to do,have kids get married
Alex: no no power
Alex: i cant explain it
Mary: and having kids isn't conditioning.. it's genetic.. it's bred into us.. it's survival
Alex: u have a point,but what if thats just what were told to believe
Mary: Then look at animals. were animals told to believe that they were supposed to have babies too?
Alex: mayb
Mary: Then do what you believe. if society's laws and beliefs bother you, do what you want.. just remember.. do onto others as you'd have others do onto you
Alex: i know
Mary: i mean.. as long as you don't hurt anyone ( including yourself ), do what you want
Alex: its nothing like that
Alex: i just wnat to know
Mary: then its gonna be a slow process
Alex: do u think its weird
Alex: that im drawn to the stars
Alex: that im draw to space
Mary: maybe you're an alien
Alex: but then i think,that what if thats what im conditioned to believe
Mary: you're driving yourself crazy.
Mary: believe me, i've been there
Alex: you thought all of this
Mary: and more
Alex: there is so much more
Mary: i know
Mary: its like trying to grasp something, but you don't know what it is or where it's at
Alex: yes
Mary: all you know is that you can feel it... and you want it.. an understanding
Alex: exactly
Mary: and the more you try, the more you think, there more options there are.. the harder it gets
Alex: your in my brain
Mary: but it's so hard to figure out, mostly because you don't even know what you want to figure out..
Alex: what if there is nothing to figure out
Mary: that might be it
Alex: then why is there that need to strive to figure it out
Mary: i don't know
Mary: i never figured that out, really
Alex: well what did u figure out
Mary: but from everything i went through... I learned that mostly.. life is short. try to relax. maybe there really isn't a big picture, but if there is... everything will fall into place eventually. you can think about it all you want, but what difference will it make? what difference will knowing make?
Mary: take life as it comes.. and if you don't like it.. change it. and if you can't change it.. make the best out of it
Alex: but you see what if all that is done
Alex: and then say i lay down to go to sleep and i wake up
Mary: learning, experiencing is never done
Alex: and realize it was all a dream
Mary: then hopefully you'll remember the dream and learn from it
Alex: what if life is just somesdream
Alex: someones dream
Alex: or somethings
Mary: maybe it is... in which case.. what does it matter?
Alex: i dont know why it matters
Alex: but there something eating away at me to find out
Mary: then have fun going nuts. lol.. really. it's a trip
Alex: why doesnt this happen to everyone
Mary: i dont think any drug can compare to going crazy
Mary: i think it does... just some people experience it more than others
Alex: i didnt kow
Alex: *know
Alex: why did u say mayb i was an alien
Mary: i was just playing
Mary: and even if you were, does it matter?
Alex: sometimes i feel like i might be
Alex: or mayb your right
Alex: im just going crazy
Mary: drugs don't help when you're going nuts.. just telling you that much
Alex: i stopped
Mary: good lol
Alex: that night u yelled at me
Mary: yeah
Alex: it clicked
Alex: what did u do
Alex: did it ever fully go away
Mary: no, not really.. i still think a lot, but im a lot more peaceful now
Mary: i just rode it out, honestly..
Alex: can u help me find the peace
Mary: i think you have to find that on your own
Alex: how did u find it
Mary: hmm let me think..
Mary: i hit rock bottom.
Mary: i had no where else to go but up. i could have stayed there, i could have wasted away... but you know me.. i'm stubborn
Mary: and so are you
Alex: lol
Alex: i feel like im at rock bottom
Alex: and im just looking up
Alex: and questioning everything
Mary: nah, you're not there yet
Alex: well im damn near close
Mary: lol
Alex: i dont know
Alex: mayb im not
Alex: mayb i am
Alex: mayb there is no bottom
Alex: mayb there is no up
Alex: just a middle
Mary: they say time has no beginning or end
Alex: but is that true
Alex: mayb life has no end
Alex: does that make sense
Mary: recarnation
Alex: reborn from the ashes
Mary: ride it out. if you feel like you're going nuts, ride it out.
Mary: write things down if you have to. but really.. it's llike trying to stop a freight train
Alex: there is no stopping it till you hit thebottom is there
Mary: well, the only thing that really stopped me was a visit to the hospital, a cat scan, a bottle of anti-psychotics and a trip to lakeside.. and even then, it only slowed it down
Mary: Lol
Alex: is it still going?
Mary: I can control it now
Mary: so its a lot better.
Alex: it just makes so much senses
Alex: but no sense at all
Alex: ya know
Mary: yea i know
Alex: well when i hit the bottom,will u hold the light
Alex: so i can find my way bak to the top
Mary: believe me, the way will light itself
Alex: honestly
Alex: i dont know why
Alex: but i dont think i could talk to anyone else about this
Mary: because no one else you know had it as bad as me? Lol
Alex: i didnt even know u did
Alex: i dont know anyone else that went through this
Mary: most people do.. some worse than others
Mary: some express it and some hide it
Alex: i want it to go away
Alex: but i dont
Mary: its kind of fun in a sick way, huh
Alex: i guess u sick twisted little girl
Mary: idk. going nuts was kinda fun in it's own way.
Alex: did u ever think
Mary: write down your thoughts. it'll make it better
Alex: that mayb you went sane
Mary: lol yeah
Mary: and that it was just everyone else
Alex: well whatever sane is
Alex: yeah
Alex: thats what i think
Mary: this is all i can say:
1. try to relax
2. Figure out who you are
3. write your thoughts down
Mary: and eventually, when you feel better... you can look back through your writing and be like, "wtf was i thinking?!"
Alex: hey well
Alex: when i get bak from this wounderful journey
Alex: wann help me write a book
Mary: sure
Alex: can i tell you something
Mary: yea
Alex: idk why
Alex: but for as long as i remember
Alex: ive never felt a sense of belonging,or i dont fuckin know,
Alex: see its all one giant fuckin loop
Mary: dont know what to tell you
Alex: it doesnt make any sense to you does it
Mary: no it does.. but i dont have an answer
Alex: im not asking for one
Alex: i dont know what im askin for
Alex: but its no an answer
Mary: maybe its another question